Express Ride to Drunkville Guy

Someone's throwing a party, whether it's a close acquaintance or a friend of a friend of a friend. Regardless of who it is, it's a party, and there will be booze and women and fun times to be had. So you meet up with a friend or two and head over there to partake in the festivities. But within 5 minutes of walking through the doorway and saying hi to everyone there, you turn to see your friend has already chugged a beer and is hard at work on his second. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is on an express ride to drunkville.

Everyone has that friend. Whoever it was that passed on the laws of manhood decided it was a good idea to tell him to get as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some sort of anti-liquor nazi, demanding that everyone stick to Zimas and Mike's Hard Lemonades with a side of castration. It's a well known fact that I like to get drunk and there are countless embarrassing stories that prove this. But the fact is that there's a time and a place to get completely fucked up, and that's the only time it should happen.

Let's say there's about 10-15 of you meeting up to watch football, either college or pro. You're basically in it for the long haul, as games usually run from 1pm to about 11pm, and that's with no overtime. Now, if Drunkville Guy immediately starts throwing back everything with a warning label for pregnant women, he's gonna find himself cradling the toilet bowl and heaving up those nachos(or pine-sol) he ate.

Normally, if someone is making an ass of themselves, then they're on their own. You take photos, crack jokes, then carry on about your business. But if said person came to the party with you, then you two are linked. To anyone there that doesn't know you, you will be known as "the guy that brought the drunk asshole". And if you were planning on talking to any women or getting some numbers? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not gonna happen. It's like having a good wingman. You know that there might be times when he needs to drink to take one for the team, but he still knows that control is key. If he's not sober and coherent enough to keep up his end of the bargain, then neither of you will be making some lucky woman swear off drinking the next morning. You'd probably make less of a negative impression if you took a shit in the host's fish tank.

While it's unfair that you should be held responsible for the actions of others, the sad truth of it is that those are the rules. Women travel in packs, and trying to pull one away is like taking a grizzly cub from its mother. They'll do and say anything to keep that one girl from going off with you, and having Drunky McBoozenstein on his knees proposing to a bar stool is just the ammunition they need. Teach the lesser ones amongst you, because you both will benefit from a well executed gameplan. Not that there aren't times where drinking yourself into oblivion is the right call to make.

Out Of His Element Guy

"Shut the fuck up Donny, you're out of your element!"

Out Of His Element Guy. Unlike some of the other guys we've featured on this blog, this dude isn't nearly as specific and can be found almost anywhere. The simple definition is Out Of His Element Guy is in his name; he's out of his element. I'm not talking about someone similar to the Out Of Place Guy from concerts, he just sticks out from the crowd visually. No, this is the guy who believes he's the authority of everything, even if he's been doing _____ for 4 weeks and you've been doing _____ for 7 years. It never fails, whenever you find yourself hanging out with friends discussing any topic, whether it's sports, books, politics, gardening, or the tangiest mustard, he's always going to politely share his opinion. And by that I mean obnoxiously interrupt someone and open with some line like "Well my father was a legendary cat shaver..." which he thinks gives him more knowledge than anyone else.

There are two breeds of this guy, one is the how-to, and the other is the critic. The how-to shows his face whenever there's something to be done, or a problem to be solved. Hear a rattling sound in your dashboard? How-To used to pay an ex-mechanic to buy him booze, so he knows the problem and solution. Trying to think of a way to makeup with your girlfriend after a fight? How-To's read all 40 volumes of the manual on dating, despite the fact that he's been single for as long as you've known him. From setting up your HDTV to time travel, he's got the answer you seek, and it's a shame that such a powerful mind isn't being put to work by science. If the world ever comes to an end, I'm certain that somewhere in his room there lies a napkin with a formula that could have prevented it, if only we had listened.

The Critic is the guy I find myself dealing with(and as a result, completely loathing) most of all. He is an authority on all things, and his judgement is not to be questioned. Say for example you're discussing sports, and The Critic expresses his dislike of football, which is just "a bunch of guys hitting each other, something that requires no intelligence or strategy at all". Of course The Critic doesn't even follow sports, and if he truly believes that, I know a few coaches with some 600-page playbooks they'd like to show him.

My favorite one of all is the music critic. As I've stated before, I listen to alot of heavy metal, leaning towards the more extreme stuff. I understand that to most people, it's simply too abrasive, and that's fine. But along comes the Critic, who states that the reason he dislikes metal is because "it doesn't take any talent, it's just playing random notes as fast as you can and gurgling into a microphone". Meanwhile, he loves U2 and Fallout Boy and thinks that Kurt Cobain is the world's greatest guitarist. Oh, and he's also never touched a musical instrument in his life. There are many generalizations made about heavy metal music(it's all satanic, it's all noise, etc), but for someone to actually state that it's a talentless genre is one of the most ridiculous statements a person can make. Obviously, if he's around people that don't know any better, they'll simply take his word for it. But saying such things in the presence of a person that actually knows what they're talking about is one of the fastest ways to have yourself branded a moron.

Now, I don't know why this guy exists. I don't know what the reason is that makes him feel he's justified in pretending to be an expert in things he knows nothing about. But in the end, absolutely no good can come from it. I don't care what your college roommate's dealer's cousin's friend said about upgrading a computer, if I want advice I'll ask someone that actually knows what they're talking about. So until a question is posed directly at you, shut the fuck up Donny; you're out of your element.

Special Edition: That Concert Guy

Last Friday I went to Worcester to catch the almighty Carcass on their reunion tour(amazing, amazing show). The lineup was surprisingly solid, since most shows in this area consist of one or two good metal bands, and then some crappy hardcore or metalcore support. But as awesome as a concert might be, there are always those certain people in the crowd that seem to exist for no purpose but to drive your blood pressure up the wall. So today I'm gonna spotlight the various people that you do not want to be at a concert.


1. Personal Mosh Pit Guy
Now if you've ever been to a concert at a decent sized venue, you know that crowds can vary in size. Early on, while the opening band is playing, the audience is just walking around, passing time, and most people aren't even there yet. But by the time the headliner is performing, practically everyone is on the floor, pushing towards the stage, and people are packed in tighter than a japanese subway. It's uncomfortable, but that's just the way it goes at concerts, so you deal with it. Well, most deal with it. Personal Mosh Pit Guy is apparently unable to contain his enthusiasm, and decides that right then and there, shoulder to shoulder with everyone around him, he has to mosh. Not headbang, not pump his fist and throw the horns, but full on, pushing everyone in all directions mosh. And it's not some claustrophobic freakout, as if he's trying to make some space. He'll just keep going and pushing and shoving, rocking out to the music, completely oblivious to the increasingly pissed off crowd around him. Why he feels this need, no one knows. But I'd be lying if I said metalheads weren't prone to aggression and violence, and guys like this are just throwing gas on the fire.

2. The Bill Withers Fan
Why Bill Withers? Because this guy always seems to lean on me. I'm just standing around, watching the band perform and getting into it, when I feel someone push into my back. It's fine, I have my back to the mosh pit, it's to be expected. People bump you, and then go off in some other random direction, nothing new. Except this guy doesn't go off in another direction. I turn around, wondering if he lost his balance or something, but no. He's merely using me as a wall to lean on while he plays the sickest air guitar solo ever. Nevermind the fact that playing air guitar in the pit is retarded, but he apparently looks at me and sees "post to lean on". I guess when there's that much metal coming out of your air Les Paul, you don't have the energy to stand on your own. So of course I elbowed him off of me. Did he fall or something? Damned if I know, I'm just a wall.

3. The Eager Student
My friend Bob pointed this one out to me, it's a variation on the traditional spin-kick, punch-the-floor hardcore kid. Seeing as how flailing around like a kung fu student having a seizure doesn't seem to show people how much of a failure you are, these guys decide to wear a backpack at the same time. Filled with textbooks. I understand, the show was earlier than usual(5pm), maybe you didn't have time to drop your bag off at home. But if you have a bag full of textbooks, please, there is no fucking reason for you to go into the pit. It's already hazardous enough with the spin kicks, the last thing someone needs is to have your Calculus textbook break their nose. If you've got a bag, stay out of the pit.

4. Out of Place Guy(idea by Paulina)
You know the out of place guy, he's a hard dude to miss. No matter whether it's a metal show, some frat-boy soft rock, or what. I'm not saying that concerts should have dress codes, but come on. If someone is attending a Nile concert(brutal death metal for those that don't know), and you've got all the usual suspects there(guy wearing all black, guy wearing all black and a denim vest, guy wearing black nazi shirt, etc), and then you see him. Big dude, long hair, moshing in the pit with everyone else.....wearing a tie-dye shirt. Nothin against the guy personally, because he seems to be into the music as much as everyone else...but he just looks out of place. Like maybe he took a wrong turn somewhere, but he's a really laid back dude. So he just said "Fuck it, I'll stay here". It's like being arrested by a cop in bicycle shorts and a hawaiian shirt, it just makes for a very confusing situation.

5. The Classic: Sweaty, Shirtless Fat Guy
One of the most common, but worst guys to ever have to encounter. There isn't much to say about him, the name pretty much sums him up. I understand it gets hot at concerts, especially as more and more people pile into the venue. But once you lose the shirt, you're crossing a line. You think Personal Mosh Pit Guy and The Bill Withers Fan are annoying as is? Imagine them both as fat sweaty shirtless guys. My friend Liz was surrounded by sweaty clothed guys, and her vest was completely and utterly covered in sweat. Imagine what it would have been like if they had been shirtless, with no added protection between flesh and you. It's cruel, and all it takes is one guy to lose his balance moshing, and slam his sweaty manboob into the side of your face to completely ruin the concert experience.

I hope this guide can help you during your concert experiences. With hard work, we can eliminate these guys from all venues and make them all safer places for you and me.

That jinxing guy

Back in the day, Bro-ses went up to the mountain to seek guidance, and ask what was the path that men should follow in the world. He came down with a list of commandments, hastily scrawled on a taco bell napkin. Few know it, but this napkin has outlined basic tasks that all men are responsible for. For example, Commandment IV states that "Ye Shall Never Let Thy Friend Forget That He Hath Plowed A Fatty", and Commandment IX is "If Thine Drinking Is Ever Questioned, Thou Must Engage In A Drink-Off, Or Thy Manhood Will Be Revoked". The simplest and most basic one merely states that "Thou Must Always, always, ALWAYS Giveth Shit To Thine Friends, Without Fail". And this is the one that usually separates the men from the boys. If your friend manages to utterly annihilate you with a burn, will you get pissed and demand he apologizes? Or will you counter him with such force that his entire family loses consciousness? It's your duty to never surrender, even if it means reminding him about when he pissed his pants in the second grade. No mercy, guys.

There are countless methods of shit-talking employed between friends. There's the classic "Your mom/aunt/sister/grandma/other female relative", the questioning of one's sexuality, and of course the implication that one likes to get fucked by wild horses. But one that few use is the power of the jinx. The jinx is unpopular because it's not an every-situation response, but if used in the proper setting, it can devastate like nothing else. One scenario is as follows: You and your friend are out somewhere, when he sees a girl he wants to ask out. He's just blabbing on and on about her positives. So you throw out a casual "Haha, I bet she used to be a man. Look at those hands, they're huge." And of course, you look at her, and she looks like a woman, because she is one. But those hands are kinda big. So now your infatuation has turned into hesitation and doubt. The entire time you're talking to her, you're staring at her tits, but only to see if they're implants. Practically boring a hole in her neck with your eyes, looking for the slightest hint of an adam's apple. Basically, there's no way to save the situation. Either your friend is right, and the jinx has come to pass, or he's wrong, but the seed of doubt has become planted to far in your head to salvage this.

Playing poker? "You're totally gonna lose all your money tonight". Going to a party? "You're gonna puke tonight and make an ass of yourself". The jinx can and will show up anywhere. Of course, 9 times out of 10, it doesn't come to pass. But the one time that it does can be the deadliest of all. Say for example, someone that shall go unnamed(but writes for this blog and isn't named OD) spends the entire NFL offseason reminding you about 18-1 at every opportunity possible, and says something along the lines of "They've been good for too long, you know it's gotta end now. Watch, he's(referring to Tom Brady) gonna get injured in his first game". And I tell him to shut the fuck up of course, because the guy's never missed a game. But in the back of my head, I know that the jinx has been summoned. The wheel of fate is turning, deciding if this one shall come to pass, or be left to die. I'd all but forgotten about this jinx, and was enjoying the Patriots home opener at a bar when tragedy struck.

Yea, fucking with your friends and giving them shit is fun. But if there's any lesson you take away from this blog, DON'T BE THAT JINXING GUY. All it takes is one motherfucker going in low after your quarterback to teach you that the jinxing gods do not fuck around. If you keep calling them out, making jinx after jinx, eventually one of them will come to pass. Not to mention, if you jinx me, and it comes true, I will devote my life to jinxing the ever loving hell out of your life. I'm getting voodoo dolls and everything. So for your own safety, to avoid the wrath of the jinxed, don't be that guy.