That Friend Zone Girl

And so we will make our triumphant return with something special: our very first posts targeting the opposite sex. Oh, did you ladies thing you were immune? Too perfect to suffer our wrath? Far from it, we've been saving our worst specifically for all of you.

Today I'm gonna be unleashing my caged fury on the vilest of you menstruating banshees, the Friend Zone Girl. If you're a heterosexual male, you will enter the friend zone at some point in your life, it's simply inevitable. It's a rite of passage, like your first fight, or your first swig of alcohol. But while the previous two are accomplishments to be proud of, entering the friend zone is a horrific experience that will never be washed from your psyche.

You know how when you're over 18 years old, but still not 21, you're in that social limbo? You can go out with your friends, you can get into certain places, but you still haven't gained the ability to order a beer? That's what the friend zone is like, except that you never turn 21. You stay 20 and 364 days forever and ever, reliving that last day like the worst version of Groundhog Day imaginable.

But how can you know if you're in the friend zone? Well, that's what I'm here for, to help you understand the signs. If you're unsure of your current situation, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I friends with a girl?
2. Do we hang out alot?
3. Does it seem that we're into alot of the same things?
4. Do I think she and I would make a great couple?
5. Is the only thing keeping us from being together her jerk of an ex-boyfriend that she's constantly off-again, on-again, off-again with, etc?
6. Does she come to me for advice when things go sour with said ex-boyfriend?
7. Does she say that she wishes all guys were nice like me?
8. Does she Always go back to said ex-boyfriend?

If you've made it this far without a no answer, you have my condolences; you are in the friend zone. But I digress; I'm not here to talk about the friend zone, but rather to verbally eviscerate the rotten cunt that put you there in the first place.

The first thing you'll hear from guys in the friend zone when confronted is that "she's a nice girl, she's just going through some tough times." Bullshit. She is not a nice girl, she is completely, completely aware of what she is doing. A classic joke is the man that is granted four wishes by a genie, and he wishes for a woman that's an excellent cook, great in the sack, and loaded with money. And then he wishes that they never meet each other. This girl, this FZG is basically using you to supplement her asshole of a boyfriend. With his popular social status and your compassion, she can create an ideal boyfriend...but she gives him the sex and you the nagging. She knows that if she nagged him, he'd just up and leave, because he's not a dumbass. But she can't hold it in, because women love nothing more than complaining. So remember that time you told her "anytime you wanna talk, I'll be here"? Oh yea, she didn't forget.

And don't think for a second that you're the only person she's done this to. FZGs are repeat offenders. Every man, given enough time, will eventually smarten up and leave the friend zone as a wiser, but damaged person. And when that happens, she'll sing her siren song, and another poor fellow will be enchanted by her spell, lured with false hopes of a relationship only to discover he's nothing more than a verbal punching bag and a shoulder to lean on.

The worst thing is that while everyone escapes eventually, it's never, ever easy. Being in the friend zone is like being infected with a slow-moving toxin. As time goes on it keeps spreading and you keep getting weaker and weaker. And it's not something that another person can pull you out of. She makes you such a firm believer in the fact that someday, she'll leave that zero and get with a hero(you), that you'll ignore the advice of your closest friends, not realizing that they've been there, and they know what's coming.

Why does the FZG do this? Because she's a bitch, to sum it up. Too lazy to actually work on her relationship, but too weak-willed to realize that it's destined to end in catastrophe. At the same time, she's too worried about social status to leave him for you, but enjoys having you around as her fall-back too much to tell you that you stand no chance. If there was ever a definition of someone just being and not doing, this is it.

So for all the psyches you've destroyed, all the promises you've failed to keep, all the girls that your puppet has missed out on because he believed that you were "totally gonna dump that loser this week", for all the cynical, introverted, untrusting men you've created, I say fuck you. Go fuck a chainsaw.

That "Start a blog and then abandon it for a few months" Guy

We're not dead yet.

That Oblivious Casanova Guy

Congratulations, Mr. Oblivious Casanova Guy. While most of the shit-sucking wastes of life featured on this site do nothing but make me wanna curbstomp infants, you actually manage to make me laugh and entertain me. No one's quite sure how you ever got the idea, but at some point in your life you decided that you were (insert deity)'s gift to women. And despite the astronomical number of girls you manage to take home(zero), you've never swayed in this opinion of yourself. I'd suggest taking a step back and looking at yourself, but you'd probably become enamored and start masturbating to your visage.

The Casanova isn't a difficult guy to spot. Just scan your surrounding area for the hottest group of girls, and within moments he'll be slinking up to them, ready to work some of that foolproof charm he's got. Do you know how it feels when you're extremely exhausted and dehydrated, and just want to drink something cold? So you pour yourself a cold glass of milk because it's the only thing in the fridge. And first there's that moment of refreshment, the look of relief on your face as you feel your body being recharged. But a split second later, you realize that the milk's gone bad and your expression contorts so much it looks like something out of the Kama Sutra. That is what happens to a woman when she realizes that this sad sack is talking to her. She'd already noticed his presence in the bar/restaurant/etc, because like men, women scout an area when they enter. Within 3 seconds of walking into a room, everyone has been given a mental rank and rating, and the Casanova's wasn't anything to write home about. But when she sees him moving in her direction, and realizes that he is actually going to attempt to hit on her? You can't fake that kind of distress. I'm fully convinced that OJ Simpson could pull up in a white Bronco offering a ride, and she'd take it in a heartbeat just to get away from this delusional creep.

How's this all play out in his mind? "Maybe I came on too strong...must've intimidated her with these rugged looks." Yea, I'm sure that the sight of your 5 ft 3 in frame and meticulously combed jewfro drove her so far up the wall she had to leave before she creamed herself right then and there. It definitely didn't have anything to do with the Bud Light in your hand(a sure sign of a fucking moron) or the half bottle of cologne that you willingly bathe yourself in on a daily basis. No, these chicks just couldn't keep their composure around such a stallion.But hey, that won't dissuade you. Nope, you'll just spin that visor around and head to the next flock, trying a much smoother approach that's guaranteed to work. Wait, did I say smooth? I meant to say you'd use some crappy pickup line like "It must've hurt when you fell from heaven" and then assume that their silence means they're in awe of your poetic mastery. I don't know if there's anyone in existence that has an attempt-to-failure ratio like you. But in truth sir, I salute you. Because fine folks like yourself make me look God-like in comparison. You keep on popping that collar; the world loves you, they just don't know it yet.

That Bandwagon Sports Fan Guy

What's that up in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a sports team suddenly rising from the realm of mediocrity into the national spotlight!

Welcome once again to the blog that never ends, blah blah blah, witty introduction. Today we will take a look at one of the longest tenured guys, the bandwagon sports fan. Unlike the other wastes of life we've profiled on this website, the bandwagon sports fan is very easy to identify in public. Regardless of what city or state you live in, he can usually be found wearing the apparel of whatever team is currently sitting atop their league(currently Tampa Bay Rays, Boston Celtics, Tennessee Titans), or whatever team has a tendency to have a huge regular season, only to fail in the playoffs when it counts(Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, Los Angeles Lakers).

As opposed to true sports fans, who will stick with their chosen team through the best(3 Super Bowls in 4 years) and the worst(The Drew Bledsoe years), the bandwagon sports fan exists solely to root for whoever is most likely to finish their season as the champion. Said team will usually feature a polarizing star player that is hated by the media for his arrogance, but at the same time respected for his skill(see Owens, Terrell and Bryant, Kobe). The bandwagon fan will claim that player x is merely misunderstood by all of the media, and his ego and uncaring attitude towards his teammates merely represents his desire to motivate said teammates to win. But of course when player x loses, the blame rest solely on his teammates for not providing him with enough support. I mean, it's absurd to think that one man can carry an entire franchise on his back without a slight modicum of help.

For the most part, a bandwagon sports fan is financially successful, because it takes quite a lot of money to repeatedly buy new sports jerseys every season for whoever is the "it" player or team. For the NBA, it's been the Bulls, Lakers, Celtics, Cavaliers, Nuggets, and Spurs. In the MLB, the throne has always belonged to the Yankees, with the Red Sox, Cubs, White Sox, and now the Rays bringing up the rear. And in the NFL, it's frequently been Cowboy country, with some of the bandwagoners siding with the Colts and my beloved Patriots(go root for someone else, you assfucks). The only criteria to lure them in is an affinity for regular season dominance, during which the bandwagon fan will indulge in an insane amount of trash talk. Of course, when the playoffs roll around and their team meets with a first round exit at the hands of the team that barely stole a wild card spot, they'll disappear and hibernate for the offseason, before reemerging with a new jersey and a new team to root for. It's like a snake shedding its skin, but only if its dignity came off along with it.

Sports fans recognize that bandwagon fans are the worst fans in existence. If they latch on to a team you like, their stupidity and arrogance is usually enough to turn every other fanbase against you(see Patriots, 2007). If they latch on to a team you're indifferent to, they'll barely break a sweat making you hate said team with every inch of your being. And just like a hurricane, once the damage has been done and their team of choice is now public enemy #1, they'll quickly move on to the next successful fanbase while leaving yours in shambles. It's not even known if they're actual sports fans and know the Xs from the Os, or just want to wear a cool jersey. But regardless of their beginnings, few can argue with the fact that they must be exterminated as soon as possible, before there are no pure teams left to cheer for.

Center of Attention Guy

Every group of friends has certain roles that must be filled. There's the voice of reason, that usually talks you out of the extremely stupid decisions. There's the daredevil, who uses alcohol as an elixir of life and convinces himself that he can do anything, five times better than anyone else. And then there's the Center of Attention Guy, a guy as devoted to the spotlight as Paris Hilton is devoted to dick.

It doesn't matter what the situation or location is, Center of Attention Guy is under strict orders from his overinflated ego that he must live up to his name, and be the first and last thought to cross the minds of everyone present. This is a man that wouldn't hesitate to give you oxygen, but only because he doesn't believe that there is any air present in space where you(along with the rest of the world) revolve around him. Whether he's making up stories, or speaking of genuine experiences, it's simply unacceptable that anyone else have anything of interest to say.

What's that? You're going mountain climbing this weekend? Well that's no longer important, because Center of Attention guy once climbed Mt. Everest. By himself. And then pulled down 30 orphans that were stranded at the top. You're meeting your favorite football player? CoA guy not only went to college with Tom Brady, but they regularly hang out, and Brady actually asks him for tips on improving his spiral. You single-handedly redirected a meteor that was going to end all life on Earth? CoA guy's done it twice, the second time while nursing two broken legs from the time he wrestled 5 grizzly bears and rescued a dozen nuns.

From the snobby to the absurd, Center of Attention guy will do whatever it takes to ensure that only what he says matters, no matter who it means undermining, or how many blatant lies it means spouting. Whether you believe it or not, it'll be in your mind, and that means that he's done his job. He's hijacked your brain and is using it for his own narcissistic means, pleasuring himself in front of the mirror to the idea of his clones, inhabiting the depths of all your minds. Don't give him this power. He tries to stretch the truth, stretch it even farther. Anything he says, don't hesitate in any way to overrule him.

...or, you could just backhand the guy. Whatever works.

That Crusader Guy

(Don LaFontaine voice over)

In a world...with normal people...where casual, ordinary conversations are the norm...one man had something to say...an agenda...a crusade!

Welcome once again to this corner of the internet, where we dissect the douchebags that have become a part of all our daily lives, and teach you how to deal with them for once and for all. Our guest of honor today is That Crusader Guy. AKA, the one person we all know that always has a cause. Whether it's standing up for the western Kentucky Luchador Cockroach, or demanding that circus clowns be allowed to have polygamous relationships, the Crusader will always have something to fight for, and no matter how disinterested you might seem, will devote more time recruiting others into the fold than they do actually fighting for said cause.

The most difficult thing about a Crusader is that they're sometimes impossible to detect until it's too late. Everyone has different interests and hobbies, and as a result, anyone is capable of latching onto any cause. Now, I'm not attacking people that choose to be active in whatever they're passionate about. I would expect that if you truly care about something, you'll make your voice heard if it's necessary. No, I'm talking about the person that latches onto any and all causes, just for the sake of being "active in the world". Long story short, protesting and being an activist makes them cool. They'll be as equally opposed to Starbucks as they are meat and the lack of sandals for the homeless.

Usually, by the time a crusader has been identified, there is no option for escape and you'll be forced to listen to their speil about how x is being unfairly held down by y and that we're the only ones that can change that. You could be sitting around discussing a movie you recently watched, and the Crusader will make it a point to inform you that 10 years ago the director posed in a picture with someone that once bought a Nike wristband, which means that said movie is supporting sweatshops. Before you even have a chance to react and comment on the level of absurdity in the statement you just heard, and endless sea of pamphlets are being tossed at you, along with 5 different protests planned for the next month at 5 locations with no real link to each other or the nonexistent problem.

And of course, if you make the mistake of stating that said problem doesn't really concern you, the Crusader will look at you as if you just devoured their infant child right before their very eyes. Not beliving in a cause they rant to you about basically means that not only do you support it, but on weekends you probably fly overseas just to use cattle prods on those children so they can make those sneakers even faster. You're a monster, and the only way they know how to respond to you is...by leaving more pamphlets. Everywhere. On your desk, snuck into your coat pocket, under your windshield wiper. Clearly the problem is that you don't know the truth, so it must be force-fed to you until you have seen the error of your ways. Or until you finally snap and return every single one of those pamphlets to the Crusader...rectally of course.

The worst thing about the Crusader is that they can never truly be stopped. It's like cutting the head off of a hydra, two more will grow in its place. The best a person can do is either lie like a madman, to the point where they believe you're supporting the cause in your own private way, or go in the opposite direction and do everything in your power to make them hate you and leave you alone(which would really be much better). But whatever path you decide to take, do it quickly, before you find yourself at a singalong in a tie-dye shirt.

Those Human Wall Guys

So based on previous posts, you could probably guess that I'm not a person that possesses a great deal of patience, and you would be right. I'm not some maniac that always flies off the handle at every little incident, but there are certain things that will never fail to send me into a near-murderous rage, and the Human Wall is one of them. The Human Wall is basically what happens when you have a group of people walking down the sidewalk, who decide that it would be a brilliant idea to walk side-by-side, and completely obstruct the path of anyone else that wants to move in either direction. The most common perpetrators are teenage girls (who walk this way so that they can discuss such important topics as their new shade of lipstick) and the elderly (who knows what their reasons are for anything), but they're far from the only ones guilty.

No matter how many people give them dirty looks while walking in the street to pass them, they remain completely oblivious to the fact that the only thing their mindless chit-chat will accomplish is turning a legion of pedestrians behind them into a blood-hungry mob. You would probably have a better chance of getting past the Minnesota Vikings defensive line than actually breaking through this whiny, high-pitched blockade.

The absolute worst thing is the speed. If they were at least moving at a normal pace, it wouldn’t pose as much of a problem, because you could just follow behind and then make a turn when necessary. But no, whenever these groups get together, it’s as if all of their gravitational pulls tug at each other and slow the entire mass down to about 1mph. They're the pedestrian equivalent of the 95 year old man driving his Oldsmobile, squinting through his inch-thick spectacles (to old people, they're always spectacles, not glasses) barely peeking over his steering wheel, and using all of the force in his arthritis-riddled leg to push down on the gas pedal and burn rubber at an amazing 23mph on the fucking highway…only to later realize he’s no longer on the highway, and is seconds away from crashing through a donut shop.

The time has come for us to stand up against these traitorous bastards, attempting to deny us of the right to walk on the sidewalk freely. No more will we be slowed to a snail’s pace! No more will we be forced to use the street to pass and risk bodily harm or worse. From this day forth, if you see a Human Wall, feel free to drop your shoulder, charge right through them, and let em know who the fuck you are: