Out Of His Element Guy

"Shut the fuck up Donny, you're out of your element!"

Out Of His Element Guy. Unlike some of the other guys we've featured on this blog, this dude isn't nearly as specific and can be found almost anywhere. The simple definition is Out Of His Element Guy is in his name; he's out of his element. I'm not talking about someone similar to the Out Of Place Guy from concerts, he just sticks out from the crowd visually. No, this is the guy who believes he's the authority of everything, even if he's been doing _____ for 4 weeks and you've been doing _____ for 7 years. It never fails, whenever you find yourself hanging out with friends discussing any topic, whether it's sports, books, politics, gardening, or the tangiest mustard, he's always going to politely share his opinion. And by that I mean obnoxiously interrupt someone and open with some line like "Well my father was a legendary cat shaver..." which he thinks gives him more knowledge than anyone else.

There are two breeds of this guy, one is the how-to, and the other is the critic. The how-to shows his face whenever there's something to be done, or a problem to be solved. Hear a rattling sound in your dashboard? How-To used to pay an ex-mechanic to buy him booze, so he knows the problem and solution. Trying to think of a way to makeup with your girlfriend after a fight? How-To's read all 40 volumes of the manual on dating, despite the fact that he's been single for as long as you've known him. From setting up your HDTV to time travel, he's got the answer you seek, and it's a shame that such a powerful mind isn't being put to work by science. If the world ever comes to an end, I'm certain that somewhere in his room there lies a napkin with a formula that could have prevented it, if only we had listened.

The Critic is the guy I find myself dealing with(and as a result, completely loathing) most of all. He is an authority on all things, and his judgement is not to be questioned. Say for example you're discussing sports, and The Critic expresses his dislike of football, which is just "a bunch of guys hitting each other, something that requires no intelligence or strategy at all". Of course The Critic doesn't even follow sports, and if he truly believes that, I know a few coaches with some 600-page playbooks they'd like to show him.

My favorite one of all is the music critic. As I've stated before, I listen to alot of heavy metal, leaning towards the more extreme stuff. I understand that to most people, it's simply too abrasive, and that's fine. But along comes the Critic, who states that the reason he dislikes metal is because "it doesn't take any talent, it's just playing random notes as fast as you can and gurgling into a microphone". Meanwhile, he loves U2 and Fallout Boy and thinks that Kurt Cobain is the world's greatest guitarist. Oh, and he's also never touched a musical instrument in his life. There are many generalizations made about heavy metal music(it's all satanic, it's all noise, etc), but for someone to actually state that it's a talentless genre is one of the most ridiculous statements a person can make. Obviously, if he's around people that don't know any better, they'll simply take his word for it. But saying such things in the presence of a person that actually knows what they're talking about is one of the fastest ways to have yourself branded a moron.

Now, I don't know why this guy exists. I don't know what the reason is that makes him feel he's justified in pretending to be an expert in things he knows nothing about. But in the end, absolutely no good can come from it. I don't care what your college roommate's dealer's cousin's friend said about upgrading a computer, if I want advice I'll ask someone that actually knows what they're talking about. So until a question is posed directly at you, shut the fuck up Donny; you're out of your element.