That jinxing guy

Back in the day, Bro-ses went up to the mountain to seek guidance, and ask what was the path that men should follow in the world. He came down with a list of commandments, hastily scrawled on a taco bell napkin. Few know it, but this napkin has outlined basic tasks that all men are responsible for. For example, Commandment IV states that "Ye Shall Never Let Thy Friend Forget That He Hath Plowed A Fatty", and Commandment IX is "If Thine Drinking Is Ever Questioned, Thou Must Engage In A Drink-Off, Or Thy Manhood Will Be Revoked". The simplest and most basic one merely states that "Thou Must Always, always, ALWAYS Giveth Shit To Thine Friends, Without Fail". And this is the one that usually separates the men from the boys. If your friend manages to utterly annihilate you with a burn, will you get pissed and demand he apologizes? Or will you counter him with such force that his entire family loses consciousness? It's your duty to never surrender, even if it means reminding him about when he pissed his pants in the second grade. No mercy, guys.

There are countless methods of shit-talking employed between friends. There's the classic "Your mom/aunt/sister/grandma/other female relative", the questioning of one's sexuality, and of course the implication that one likes to get fucked by wild horses. But one that few use is the power of the jinx. The jinx is unpopular because it's not an every-situation response, but if used in the proper setting, it can devastate like nothing else. One scenario is as follows: You and your friend are out somewhere, when he sees a girl he wants to ask out. He's just blabbing on and on about her positives. So you throw out a casual "Haha, I bet she used to be a man. Look at those hands, they're huge." And of course, you look at her, and she looks like a woman, because she is one. But those hands are kinda big. So now your infatuation has turned into hesitation and doubt. The entire time you're talking to her, you're staring at her tits, but only to see if they're implants. Practically boring a hole in her neck with your eyes, looking for the slightest hint of an adam's apple. Basically, there's no way to save the situation. Either your friend is right, and the jinx has come to pass, or he's wrong, but the seed of doubt has become planted to far in your head to salvage this.

Playing poker? "You're totally gonna lose all your money tonight". Going to a party? "You're gonna puke tonight and make an ass of yourself". The jinx can and will show up anywhere. Of course, 9 times out of 10, it doesn't come to pass. But the one time that it does can be the deadliest of all. Say for example, someone that shall go unnamed(but writes for this blog and isn't named OD) spends the entire NFL offseason reminding you about 18-1 at every opportunity possible, and says something along the lines of "They've been good for too long, you know it's gotta end now. Watch, he's(referring to Tom Brady) gonna get injured in his first game". And I tell him to shut the fuck up of course, because the guy's never missed a game. But in the back of my head, I know that the jinx has been summoned. The wheel of fate is turning, deciding if this one shall come to pass, or be left to die. I'd all but forgotten about this jinx, and was enjoying the Patriots home opener at a bar when tragedy struck.

Yea, fucking with your friends and giving them shit is fun. But if there's any lesson you take away from this blog, DON'T BE THAT JINXING GUY. All it takes is one motherfucker going in low after your quarterback to teach you that the jinxing gods do not fuck around. If you keep calling them out, making jinx after jinx, eventually one of them will come to pass. Not to mention, if you jinx me, and it comes true, I will devote my life to jinxing the ever loving hell out of your life. I'm getting voodoo dolls and everything. So for your own safety, to avoid the wrath of the jinxed, don't be that guy.