That Friend Zone Girl

And so we will make our triumphant return with something special: our very first posts targeting the opposite sex. Oh, did you ladies thing you were immune? Too perfect to suffer our wrath? Far from it, we've been saving our worst specifically for all of you.

Today I'm gonna be unleashing my caged fury on the vilest of you menstruating banshees, the Friend Zone Girl. If you're a heterosexual male, you will enter the friend zone at some point in your life, it's simply inevitable. It's a rite of passage, like your first fight, or your first swig of alcohol. But while the previous two are accomplishments to be proud of, entering the friend zone is a horrific experience that will never be washed from your psyche.

You know how when you're over 18 years old, but still not 21, you're in that social limbo? You can go out with your friends, you can get into certain places, but you still haven't gained the ability to order a beer? That's what the friend zone is like, except that you never turn 21. You stay 20 and 364 days forever and ever, reliving that last day like the worst version of Groundhog Day imaginable.

But how can you know if you're in the friend zone? Well, that's what I'm here for, to help you understand the signs. If you're unsure of your current situation, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I friends with a girl?
2. Do we hang out alot?
3. Does it seem that we're into alot of the same things?
4. Do I think she and I would make a great couple?
5. Is the only thing keeping us from being together her jerk of an ex-boyfriend that she's constantly off-again, on-again, off-again with, etc?
6. Does she come to me for advice when things go sour with said ex-boyfriend?
7. Does she say that she wishes all guys were nice like me?
8. Does she Always go back to said ex-boyfriend?

If you've made it this far without a no answer, you have my condolences; you are in the friend zone. But I digress; I'm not here to talk about the friend zone, but rather to verbally eviscerate the rotten cunt that put you there in the first place.

The first thing you'll hear from guys in the friend zone when confronted is that "she's a nice girl, she's just going through some tough times." Bullshit. She is not a nice girl, she is completely, completely aware of what she is doing. A classic joke is the man that is granted four wishes by a genie, and he wishes for a woman that's an excellent cook, great in the sack, and loaded with money. And then he wishes that they never meet each other. This girl, this FZG is basically using you to supplement her asshole of a boyfriend. With his popular social status and your compassion, she can create an ideal boyfriend...but she gives him the sex and you the nagging. She knows that if she nagged him, he'd just up and leave, because he's not a dumbass. But she can't hold it in, because women love nothing more than complaining. So remember that time you told her "anytime you wanna talk, I'll be here"? Oh yea, she didn't forget.

And don't think for a second that you're the only person she's done this to. FZGs are repeat offenders. Every man, given enough time, will eventually smarten up and leave the friend zone as a wiser, but damaged person. And when that happens, she'll sing her siren song, and another poor fellow will be enchanted by her spell, lured with false hopes of a relationship only to discover he's nothing more than a verbal punching bag and a shoulder to lean on.

The worst thing is that while everyone escapes eventually, it's never, ever easy. Being in the friend zone is like being infected with a slow-moving toxin. As time goes on it keeps spreading and you keep getting weaker and weaker. And it's not something that another person can pull you out of. She makes you such a firm believer in the fact that someday, she'll leave that zero and get with a hero(you), that you'll ignore the advice of your closest friends, not realizing that they've been there, and they know what's coming.

Why does the FZG do this? Because she's a bitch, to sum it up. Too lazy to actually work on her relationship, but too weak-willed to realize that it's destined to end in catastrophe. At the same time, she's too worried about social status to leave him for you, but enjoys having you around as her fall-back too much to tell you that you stand no chance. If there was ever a definition of someone just being and not doing, this is it.

So for all the psyches you've destroyed, all the promises you've failed to keep, all the girls that your puppet has missed out on because he believed that you were "totally gonna dump that loser this week", for all the cynical, introverted, untrusting men you've created, I say fuck you. Go fuck a chainsaw.