Those Human Wall Guys

So based on previous posts, you could probably guess that I'm not a person that possesses a great deal of patience, and you would be right. I'm not some maniac that always flies off the handle at every little incident, but there are certain things that will never fail to send me into a near-murderous rage, and the Human Wall is one of them. The Human Wall is basically what happens when you have a group of people walking down the sidewalk, who decide that it would be a brilliant idea to walk side-by-side, and completely obstruct the path of anyone else that wants to move in either direction. The most common perpetrators are teenage girls (who walk this way so that they can discuss such important topics as their new shade of lipstick) and the elderly (who knows what their reasons are for anything), but they're far from the only ones guilty.

No matter how many people give them dirty looks while walking in the street to pass them, they remain completely oblivious to the fact that the only thing their mindless chit-chat will accomplish is turning a legion of pedestrians behind them into a blood-hungry mob. You would probably have a better chance of getting past the Minnesota Vikings defensive line than actually breaking through this whiny, high-pitched blockade.

The absolute worst thing is the speed. If they were at least moving at a normal pace, it wouldn’t pose as much of a problem, because you could just follow behind and then make a turn when necessary. But no, whenever these groups get together, it’s as if all of their gravitational pulls tug at each other and slow the entire mass down to about 1mph. They're the pedestrian equivalent of the 95 year old man driving his Oldsmobile, squinting through his inch-thick spectacles (to old people, they're always spectacles, not glasses) barely peeking over his steering wheel, and using all of the force in his arthritis-riddled leg to push down on the gas pedal and burn rubber at an amazing 23mph on the fucking highway…only to later realize he’s no longer on the highway, and is seconds away from crashing through a donut shop.

The time has come for us to stand up against these traitorous bastards, attempting to deny us of the right to walk on the sidewalk freely. No more will we be slowed to a snail’s pace! No more will we be forced to use the street to pass and risk bodily harm or worse. From this day forth, if you see a Human Wall, feel free to drop your shoulder, charge right through them, and let em know who the fuck you are: