That Crusader Guy

(Don LaFontaine voice over)

In a world...with normal people...where casual, ordinary conversations are the norm...one man had something to say...an agenda...a crusade!

Welcome once again to this corner of the internet, where we dissect the douchebags that have become a part of all our daily lives, and teach you how to deal with them for once and for all. Our guest of honor today is That Crusader Guy. AKA, the one person we all know that always has a cause. Whether it's standing up for the western Kentucky Luchador Cockroach, or demanding that circus clowns be allowed to have polygamous relationships, the Crusader will always have something to fight for, and no matter how disinterested you might seem, will devote more time recruiting others into the fold than they do actually fighting for said cause.

The most difficult thing about a Crusader is that they're sometimes impossible to detect until it's too late. Everyone has different interests and hobbies, and as a result, anyone is capable of latching onto any cause. Now, I'm not attacking people that choose to be active in whatever they're passionate about. I would expect that if you truly care about something, you'll make your voice heard if it's necessary. No, I'm talking about the person that latches onto any and all causes, just for the sake of being "active in the world". Long story short, protesting and being an activist makes them cool. They'll be as equally opposed to Starbucks as they are meat and the lack of sandals for the homeless.

Usually, by the time a crusader has been identified, there is no option for escape and you'll be forced to listen to their speil about how x is being unfairly held down by y and that we're the only ones that can change that. You could be sitting around discussing a movie you recently watched, and the Crusader will make it a point to inform you that 10 years ago the director posed in a picture with someone that once bought a Nike wristband, which means that said movie is supporting sweatshops. Before you even have a chance to react and comment on the level of absurdity in the statement you just heard, and endless sea of pamphlets are being tossed at you, along with 5 different protests planned for the next month at 5 locations with no real link to each other or the nonexistent problem.

And of course, if you make the mistake of stating that said problem doesn't really concern you, the Crusader will look at you as if you just devoured their infant child right before their very eyes. Not beliving in a cause they rant to you about basically means that not only do you support it, but on weekends you probably fly overseas just to use cattle prods on those children so they can make those sneakers even faster. You're a monster, and the only way they know how to respond to you is...by leaving more pamphlets. Everywhere. On your desk, snuck into your coat pocket, under your windshield wiper. Clearly the problem is that you don't know the truth, so it must be force-fed to you until you have seen the error of your ways. Or until you finally snap and return every single one of those pamphlets to the Crusader...rectally of course.

The worst thing about the Crusader is that they can never truly be stopped. It's like cutting the head off of a hydra, two more will grow in its place. The best a person can do is either lie like a madman, to the point where they believe you're supporting the cause in your own private way, or go in the opposite direction and do everything in your power to make them hate you and leave you alone(which would really be much better). But whatever path you decide to take, do it quickly, before you find yourself at a singalong in a tie-dye shirt.