I like to go to the movies. And I'm sure as the previews end you get your own theater's annoying way of telling you "Silence is Golden" or shut off your cell phone, or in a polite and nice way to shut the fuck up. I'm sure this all slightly annoys you because in these ads the treble is just a bit high and the pitch of the cell phone playing or child crying is just at the right frequency to turn on the rage centers of your brain and makes you want to make something suffer. Therefore that guy annoys me greatly.
In case you are not familiar with that guy, he is the one that decides every tense, funny, scary, suspenseful, romantic, buildup; climaxing moment is the height of cinematic achievement and behaves in turn. It's like the writers of the movie have a gun pulled to his head and unless he shows as much possible emotion for every single plot point, joke etc, they will shoot him and disembowel his children with melonballers.
If you are lucky that guy is only going to be obnoxious when the entire theater laughs or gasps. However that guy will continue to react at every small minor moment or continue to discuss and rave about the moment that has passed several minutes ago. Perhaps that guy is a mental invalid who continually finds things as interesting and novel as when they are first perceived. Similar to watching Roseanne for the first time. It only mildly sucks the first time you see it, but with each subsequent time it’s on TV you dive for the remote and change the channel faster than a Kenyan Marathon runner being chased by a hungry lion. What exactly is the point to that guy’s reaction? Was it really that funny that he is still laughing at some guy being kicked in the balls for 5 minutes? News flash that guy, it is all movie magic. I have seen my friends and real people get kicked in the balls, it is funny for 15, maybe 30 seconds tops. A minute (and that’s the upper limit) if you really despise the person. Anything more and you’re bordering on finding shiny objects amusing.
Another thing I’ve noticed about that guy is that he seems to add little quips and jokes or worse still, one liners to the movie. I have analyzed this behavior and realize it benefits no one except that guy. It is his way of saying “Hey, I am so clever I have made an astute observation to make your enjoyment of the movie better.” No you haven’t that guy, no you haven’t. I know for a fact no one else in the theater is enjoying his golden nuggets of comedic or observational genius. The rest of us are in a movie theater to watch a movie. Even the people/person who accompanies that guy look annoyed and scowls as they try to block out his voice from their ears. Unlike us, that guy’s cohorts have learned to put up a vocal filter so as to tune him out. They can just act like he’s not there, like parents do when a child cries in a restaurant. The rest of us want to introduce this child’s mind to the front and back of its skull several dozen times in a minute, while the parents calmly look at each other and talk, ignoring this vile spawn which screamed its way out of its mothers now useless orifice.
When the movie starts to darken and the end credits start to roll, he stands up and gives a standing ovation in a loud and obnoxious manner. Now some of you may do this, but what bugs me about that guy is that he doesn’t just do it at opening week; he doesn’t just do it at a premiere. He does it all the time. It could be him with 3 of his acquaintances (I don’t like humanizing that guy by saying it has friends) and he’ll still be up there, clapping, sometimes hollering, like a hungry seal trying to get a fish. The writers, producers or anyone in the movie isn’t there to appreciate you’re clapping you waste of resources, stop clapping.
However, despite his obvious love and enthusiasm for the movie, he has to be the first one out of the theater. As soon as the lights even start to get brighter, he jumps up from his seat and runs for the exit, shoving other people over in a mad dash towards freedom. He runs out of the theater like a bat out of hell, and not unlike the Meatloaf CDs, annoying as all fucking hell.
So in summation, that guy ruins my movie experience. I don’t expect a quiet audience; I don’t expect you to be calm. You’re out with your friends, it’s a movie, it's funny. You can laugh, you can talk with your friends and yes, sometimes it’s even acceptable to clap. But when you do these things in excess, you become that guy, and trust me; you don’t want to be that guy.
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