That loud annoying cell phone guy

Just in case you guys didn't know, That Guy is an interactive blog. If you have anyone you would like for us to rant about, by all means send it forth. We are a bunch of lazy writers who miss deadlines and we are more than happy to make your grievances our own. That Guy is universal and chances are if he annoys you, he annoys the rest of us.

This week's That Guy is that loud annoying cell phone guy. I'm sure you've seen him around. He is the person that doesn't quite understand how a cell phone works. Oh sure he knows what all the buttons do and texts like a hyper 14 year old talking about boys or pregnancy pacts, but he does not seem to know how to use this piece of mobile technology.

First off, that guy doesn't seem to understand that a cell phone is a phone, not a deaf retarded child. I have seen that guy with bluetooth headsets or a phone shoved up against their face, screaming into the mic. No matter how frantically you scream into the mic, they are not there next to you. What is the point of you yelling at someone. I know you're trying to add emphasis to your conversation, but listen that guy, the only emphasis you're adding is to my thoughts of how big of a douchebag you are. And so far you get a C, which is impressive because it is on a scale from 1-10. He traversered the known numbers and ended up 3 past the end of infinity. I don't care how "Dat bitch was totally suckin [my] dick the other night and how 'tits'" it was. No amount of titosity can merit you screaming into your cell phone like a Howler monkey in heat.

The next thing that bugs the fuck out of me about that guy is the fact that he gestures when he is on the phone. I'm not sure they told you this at the store, but this isn't the Jetsons that guy. We do not have videophones yet. Therefore you pointing to the left and right when giving directions does absolutely nothing. You are not talking to a deaf child next to you, but you can assume they're blind. They flail their arms, point and gesture like a disco dancer doused in gasoline and set on fire. The only thing your arm flails are doing is pissing me and the rest of humanity off.

And then we have these cell braggers. You know the ones. This version of that guy is fairly hard to find, but when you do, watch out. His douche levels are critical. Being around him is a health hazard, it's like being in Chernobyl with no Russians but twice the radiation. That guy uses his phone to brag to no one in particular, to impress the people around him by talking about his newly found accomplishments, money, cars or just how overly awesome he is. Congratulations that guy, you have proved that mid 1990s comedians have said about you. In the mid 1990s, observational humor was at its infancy with jokes such as "Black people walk like this, but white people walk like this deedeedeedeedee." The humor was funny at the time but had no sense of reality. Now in this dark age of comedy, they said people who used cell phones were full of themselves, talking to no one and was using it as a way to differentiate and elevate themselves above the rest of the social strata. Thank you for proving the stereotype that guy. Why don't you go eat some watermelons, be greedy and fly planes into tall buildings. No, in fact why don't you just do the last thing. Except change fly planes into kill, and into tall buildings into yourself. Do it with a potato peeler, and just keep peeling flesh off your forearm until you die. Do us all a favor and do it. Your phone does not make you more or less liked.

We all use cell phones, we all talk to our friends, and yes sometimes we are loud. But that guy takes it to a whole other level. He transcends levels of rage to the point where putting him in a gaint washing machine with half of South Africa and a million razor blades then running him down a cheesegrater slide into a kiddie pool of lemon juice isn't enough. Technology brings us all one step forward, but in the case of that guy, it's one giant leap for pissing me the fuck off.