That Stationary Escalator Guy

Today's that guy is someone near and dear to my heart. And by that I mean, choking him so I could feel his last breath leave his body as he slowly turns blue still unaware of his idiotic actions. No, this update's that guy is a plague on society, you too may be that guy. Who is it? It's the Stationary Escalator Guy.

I'm sure you've seen this guy around, hell you might even be this guy. They might travel in herds or stalk the streets alone. Either way, they need to be wedged between the wheel and axle of a tractor trailer driving over a highway made of broken glass. On fire. That guy pisses me off for many reasons... and so I'll list them.

First and foremost, that guy never just walks somewhere. He powerwalks. I'm sure you have all noticed this. His pace is just a little faster than his pace should be given his size. So this obviously means he's in a rush somewhere. In some occasions that guy is even running somewhere. However like everyone else of his tribe, as soon as he gets to this magical moving staircase he stops. He plants both feet firmly on the step, sometimes if he feels adventurous, he puts one foot up on the next step or the one after that, perhaps to give the illusion of movement. Hmm, perhaps the people walking by on the stairs are thinking he is an amazing human being for walking so smoothly up those metal stairs with rubber handrails. His rush and speed are gone as he has become a mannequin; immobile and useless. However as soon as he gets to the end of his little stationary thrill ride, he runs off like a man with an imminent bowel explosion looming over him.

Another thing that I notice about that guy is how much of a trance he gets when he steps up to the escalator. As soon as his feet are planted on those winding stairs, he suddenly stops anything and everything he is doing and looks up, mesmerized by the coming horizon of the next level, be it lower or higher to his relative position. However if this person is on the phone, they either talk 90 degrees to their left, their right or if going upstairs, directly into the ass of the person above them. I'm sorry that guy, but if you think an escalator is magical, then I have a magic disease for you called cancer, why don't you get mesmerized by a tumor slowly growing inside you until you die and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

You see, the fact that guy seems to forget with escalators are that they are still fucking stairs. If an escalator breaks, do you try to find another working one? No! You walk right up them, and even slightly stumble awkwardly over those first few midget steps. Despite there usually being a staircase in the middle of escalators, we all go up the escalator regardless. We walk up them, like a normal staircase. Is there something that tells us that if we're making progress, we shouldn't make any MORE progress? Thank you that guy, for striving for mediocrity.

What pisses me off the most about that guy on the escalator however, is how he gets in my way. Listen that guy, you may have hoards of followers and annoying evil creatures that do your bidding, like a lazy unmoving non charismatic cult leader, but I am not one of your kind. If on an escalator, I use them for their purpose. As an intermediary between points A and B. An escalator is not a means of conveyance, it is a moving staircase, but that does NOT excuse you from not moving. Have we as a society progressed to the point where if we are getting too much done, we feel bad? God forbid we make more progress than what the almighty escalator dictates, but it shouldn't have to hamper me! I am not one of your kin, give me the choice! I'm sure you have been an unfortunate victim of their initiation rituals. Normal you, walking up the stairs, going side to side, ignoring that guy, continuing on our path up the stairs. Then it happens, your path to the left is blocked by that guy and the path around him is blocked by his friend/family/fellow cultist that guy 2. Therefore you are trapped, unable to move, blocked by that guy, forced to take part in their ridiculous sedentary lifestyle for those agonizing few seconds. Just when you feel your humanity drain away, you finally reach the end, but not before needing a shower and a genocide on their kind.

The solution to this problem is simple. Next time someone stands in our way at an escalator, let us kick them behind their kneecaps. This will cause them to tumble down the stairs, cutting themselves on the jagged ridges of an escalator as they topple people over and impale more and more of their kin, like bloody lemmings trapped in a cage on a treadmill. And with some luck, some of them will be paralyzed. If you want to get from point A to point B not moving, then so be it. I will make your legs not work so you won't be able to ever again. And then escalators shall be free for us, the ones that WALK on stairs, not stand on them.