Special Edition: That Concert Guy

Last Friday I went to Worcester to catch the almighty Carcass on their reunion tour(amazing, amazing show). The lineup was surprisingly solid, since most shows in this area consist of one or two good metal bands, and then some crappy hardcore or metalcore support. But as awesome as a concert might be, there are always those certain people in the crowd that seem to exist for no purpose but to drive your blood pressure up the wall. So today I'm gonna spotlight the various people that you do not want to be at a concert.


1. Personal Mosh Pit Guy
Now if you've ever been to a concert at a decent sized venue, you know that crowds can vary in size. Early on, while the opening band is playing, the audience is just walking around, passing time, and most people aren't even there yet. But by the time the headliner is performing, practically everyone is on the floor, pushing towards the stage, and people are packed in tighter than a japanese subway. It's uncomfortable, but that's just the way it goes at concerts, so you deal with it. Well, most deal with it. Personal Mosh Pit Guy is apparently unable to contain his enthusiasm, and decides that right then and there, shoulder to shoulder with everyone around him, he has to mosh. Not headbang, not pump his fist and throw the horns, but full on, pushing everyone in all directions mosh. And it's not some claustrophobic freakout, as if he's trying to make some space. He'll just keep going and pushing and shoving, rocking out to the music, completely oblivious to the increasingly pissed off crowd around him. Why he feels this need, no one knows. But I'd be lying if I said metalheads weren't prone to aggression and violence, and guys like this are just throwing gas on the fire.

2. The Bill Withers Fan
Why Bill Withers? Because this guy always seems to lean on me. I'm just standing around, watching the band perform and getting into it, when I feel someone push into my back. It's fine, I have my back to the mosh pit, it's to be expected. People bump you, and then go off in some other random direction, nothing new. Except this guy doesn't go off in another direction. I turn around, wondering if he lost his balance or something, but no. He's merely using me as a wall to lean on while he plays the sickest air guitar solo ever. Nevermind the fact that playing air guitar in the pit is retarded, but he apparently looks at me and sees "post to lean on". I guess when there's that much metal coming out of your air Les Paul, you don't have the energy to stand on your own. So of course I elbowed him off of me. Did he fall or something? Damned if I know, I'm just a wall.

3. The Eager Student
My friend Bob pointed this one out to me, it's a variation on the traditional spin-kick, punch-the-floor hardcore kid. Seeing as how flailing around like a kung fu student having a seizure doesn't seem to show people how much of a failure you are, these guys decide to wear a backpack at the same time. Filled with textbooks. I understand, the show was earlier than usual(5pm), maybe you didn't have time to drop your bag off at home. But if you have a bag full of textbooks, please, there is no fucking reason for you to go into the pit. It's already hazardous enough with the spin kicks, the last thing someone needs is to have your Calculus textbook break their nose. If you've got a bag, stay out of the pit.

4. Out of Place Guy(idea by Paulina)
You know the out of place guy, he's a hard dude to miss. No matter whether it's a metal show, some frat-boy soft rock, or what. I'm not saying that concerts should have dress codes, but come on. If someone is attending a Nile concert(brutal death metal for those that don't know), and you've got all the usual suspects there(guy wearing all black, guy wearing all black and a denim vest, guy wearing black nazi shirt, etc), and then you see him. Big dude, long hair, moshing in the pit with everyone else.....wearing a tie-dye shirt. Nothin against the guy personally, because he seems to be into the music as much as everyone else...but he just looks out of place. Like maybe he took a wrong turn somewhere, but he's a really laid back dude. So he just said "Fuck it, I'll stay here". It's like being arrested by a cop in bicycle shorts and a hawaiian shirt, it just makes for a very confusing situation.

5. The Classic: Sweaty, Shirtless Fat Guy
One of the most common, but worst guys to ever have to encounter. There isn't much to say about him, the name pretty much sums him up. I understand it gets hot at concerts, especially as more and more people pile into the venue. But once you lose the shirt, you're crossing a line. You think Personal Mosh Pit Guy and The Bill Withers Fan are annoying as is? Imagine them both as fat sweaty shirtless guys. My friend Liz was surrounded by sweaty clothed guys, and her vest was completely and utterly covered in sweat. Imagine what it would have been like if they had been shirtless, with no added protection between flesh and you. It's cruel, and all it takes is one guy to lose his balance moshing, and slam his sweaty manboob into the side of your face to completely ruin the concert experience.

I hope this guide can help you during your concert experiences. With hard work, we can eliminate these guys from all venues and make them all safer places for you and me.